You May Now Decorate for Halloween

It is October, you may now decorate for Halloween, but Thanksgiving? No. Stop. Pump the breaks.

I'm proposing that a holiday house decorating schedule be added to the Constitution. I fully support decorating your home to suit your favorite holiday but this Jack-lantern gun-jumping and fa-la-la false starting has gotten out of hand.

Ladies, when you get your decorations up the season before the actual season you're making us all uncomfortable. We can't keep up. Or is it just me?

Really the stores are to blame. By July 4th, they're selling pencil sharpeners, on the first day of school it's Halloween costumes, and then it's a steamroller over Thanksgiving into Christmas before the leaves turn. That push from retailers sparks a race to rush into every season and its corresponding colored lights.

I'm not immune to the pressure. Once while hauling Easter baskets up to the attic, I figured it was time to haul down my enormous jack-faux-lanterns. I confessed the impulse to my husband, who reminded me it wasn't yet Labor Day.

I, um, we clearly need government intervention. That's why an amendment to the constitution that creates a strict holiday decorating schedule could be in order.

Let's all agree to put a moratorium on Halloween stuff until October first. Let's ban Pilgrims until November. The Framers wanted it this way so really we're being patriotic.

Only after Thanksgiving are citizens permitted to haul out Christmas season bling. Friday after Thanksgiving, go ahead pump up the inflatable snow globe and plug in the lights.

We all revel in the one-upsmanship inspired by the holy season but you will not be permitted to show up your neighbors until after they give thanks and return from Black Friday sales.

Citizens will need to police their own communities on this and punish violators. As I'm instituting a punishment for violators.

If a neighbor hangs Fourth of July bunting before they dye Easter Eggs, you can send your kids to toilet paper their yard with impunity.

If a witch smashes into the siding of a house before the first day of school, it's within your rights to blow a raspberry in her general direction.

If you see a turkey displayed before most rational Americans have purchased 27 pounds of individually wrapped candies, recruit neighborhood children to ding-dong ditch.

Finally, if Rudolph lands on the lawn before the potatoes are peeled for Thanksgiving dinner, immunity is afforded to anyone who hurls a tuber at Rudolph's nose. We're trying to finish our pumpkin pie here.

On the flip side, as a reward for not rushing things you get to leave the decorations up until you get around to it. At my house, nothing says "Be My Valentine" like a rotting pumpkin sporting a Santa hat.

Here's the great truth, the older you get the faster things go until you're dead. If you continue to sprint through the seasons with a staple gun screaming, "Hold the ladder! I've got to get these icicles draped before the fireworks start!" expect the kids to rush into planning your funeral.

We're training junior to start shopping for a coffin immediately after Mom has her first hot flash and right before Dad considers buying that sports car he always wanted. Not so Christmasy, eh?

It is now October, we can all do the pumpkin thing. But if I see one cornucopia expect to see your trees draped in two-ply Charmin.

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About the Author...
Rebecca Regnier
Rebecca Regnier is an award winning journalist. She hosts a television show called Rebecca Regnier’s Full Plate and writes a weekly newspaper humor column.