Today I am focused. My superhero name today will be Focus Girl. I shall stay on task and be the mom I’ve always not been, that I rarely am, but that I want to be, because I have a list.
First on the list is laundry. I so got this. Maybe my superhero name should be Focus Mom, instead of Focus Girl. I’m really no longer a girl. Focus Woman would be fine, but since my goal is having focus on my mom duties today, I think Focus Mom is good. I wonder if wearing a cape would increase this focus. Sort of like a reminder in case I lose the list. Why am I in the garage?
Boy, “Can I go to Chuck’s house?”
I write both from the heart and my experience as a mental health professional and a parent of two nutjob kids who provide me with more material for this nonsense than I could ever use.
Boy,” Will you please drive me?”
Boy,” MOM! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?”
Me, “No, I don’t have any cash, Sweetheart.”
Me,”Mm mm, yes?”
Boy, “Forget it, I’ll skateboard over.”
Me,”Skateboard where? Where are you going? Why do you need money?”
Boy, “MOM!!! Can you please listen?”
Me, “Yes, I promise. I was just focused on the laundry.”
Boy, “They why are you in the garage?”
Me, “I was looking for a cape.”
Boy, “Seriously, Can I go to Chucks? Will you please drive me? And NO, I don’t need money.”
Me, “You don’t have to be a rude little dude about it. Let me go upstairs and get my keys.”
I’m overwhelmed the lion’s share of the time. I just love using that lion’s share thing, and I don’t even know what it means. I do know that lions are powerful and beautiful and that the female lions do all the hunting while the cubs play and the males sleep all day. I can't imagine the focus it takes to hunt in the wild. I'm glad I don't have to kill dinner, because I already have a lot going on today. I mean if I had to, I'd just put it on the list in place of "cook dinner." HAHAHAHA! I'm not just focused, I'm hilarious, which reminds me to get focused.
Get the keys, drive the boy, get the keys, and drive the boy. My keys are upstairs in my bedroom. I need to go upstairs. I’m standing in the middle of my bedroom upstairs. Why am I even in the room? Am I in there because I need to be, or because someone needed something? I am an expert finder. I’m the only one who can find anything around here. Am I in the room looking for said lost/misplaced something for someone else or was it my idea? If I had my list I’d know. Maybe I came up here looking for a cape?
What a mess. I’m totally adding this room to my list. The ceiling fan is disgusting. I’m always too tired at night when I’m in bed. I’ll just clean it now real quick, and then I won’t have to add it to my list. I am so focused. What next? My list is downstairs. I don’t know why I was upstairs anyway. LAUNDRY! Husband person really needs his pants today. I’m downstairs, but now I remember why I went upstairs, because I am focused. I turn around to go back up and to get the KEYS and then………..
Girl, “Can I watch T.V?”
Me,” YES. ”
Girl, “Can you please make me some cheese and crackers?”
I walk to the kitchen. I start making cheese and crackers.
My husband loud walks through the kitchen, mumbling something about his pants. He REALLY needs those pants today. The dryer buzzer goes off, and since I’ve washed the same damn load of laundry no less than 4 times because I’ve let it sit in the washer too long, AND don’t want to do that again - I zoom to the laundry room. Not only am I focused, but I am fast. I’d be faster with a cape. I fold the stuff in the dryer with the intent of switching the wet, clean stuff over, PRONTO, because the man needs his pants. I’m totally focused. This list is really helping.
Girl,"Mom, can I have some cheese and crackers?”
Me, “Yeah, baby, sorry, sorry, sorry.”
I leave the laundry room to finish making cheese and crackers.
Boy, “Are you still driving me to Chuck’s?”
Me, “Oh, sorry. Yes. Yep. Gimme just a sec…..”
Me, (to girl)”WHY ARE YOU WATCHING T.V.? I TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULDN’T WATCH T.V. UNTIL YOUR ROOM WAS CLEAN.”
Girl,”I asked you and you said YES!”
Husband,”You did say that. You did. I mean, I’m just saying that I heard you say YES so…….”
I walk away. I need a quiet minute to re-focus. I walk to my happy room, with the piano and my favorite pictures and there is DOG CRAP UNDER THE PIANO BENCH! Since it is already dried up, I’ll just put that on my list. I need to stay focused. I should go the kitchen and get my list.
OH MY GOD I KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND A CAPE! I run to the basement and dig through the dress up clothes. YES!! Red and shiny and just the thing I need because it reinforces my hilariousness and helps me focus. Today I am totally the mom I’ve always wanted to be. I am so focused.……the laundry.
I run through the kitchen towards the laundry room, and all three of them; Hungry, Ride-less and Pants-less are standing there just staring at me, shaking their heads.
Me, “WHAT? No, seriously you guys, if you need something, you should put it on my list.”
Read more from Nicole at chicagonow.com/moms-who-drink-and-swear
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