I remember my mom telling me I wouldn't fully understand a mother's love until my baby arrived. Now I get it. I loved my baby the minute I knew I was having a child, but now the sun rises and sets on him. As I approach my first Mother's Day, I realize I don't need flowers or a necklace, I have the best gift in my arms every morning and night.
My new favorite thing is to snuggle nose to nose with Kanyon in the mornings and look into his beautiful blue eyes, framed with long lashes and just smile. He is such a happy baby that he smiles back and lets me just lay there, holding him close and staring. Sometimes he does this kind of flirty eye blink thing and you don't have to be looking at his mouth to know he's smiling too. Cue the tears at this point, because I am normally overwhelmed at my love for him.
One of the other things my mom (smart lady) told me is that the instinct to protect your child comes the minute you're pregnant. This, I found out, is also true. I think that's why it's so hard to take him to daycare. I've been back to work for nearly a month now and it's gotten a tad better in terms of getting out the door and organized at home, but the feelings I have (and dad too) about leaving him for the day have not gone away.
I know it's good for him to become socialized and it's good to have stimulation and lots of play but I don't know if I'll ever be totally okay with not being there to take care of him and protect him. That goes against the momma bear thing. How can I make sure he's okay if I can't see what's going on with him? Thankfully the daycare is very good about writing down the details of his day and I know they're taking good care of him. The ladies who are there with him at night are both mothers of 5! They know the drill! That's the logical side of my brain talking. You can't turn off the instinct.
One year ago on Mother's Day, I spent the day with my mom going to greenhouses. I was sad because the entire week before, I thought I might be pregnant, then had what I thought was a setback and was really sad. My mom is extremely observant and asked what was wrong. I said nothing... she finally guessed what was going on with me and tried to encourage me that it would happen. Little did I know, last Mother's Day, as I sat feeling a bit sorry for myself, I was already going to be a mom! I officially found out the day after Mother's Day a baby was on the way!
I know I am so blessed. From the minute Kanyon was on the way, he's been amazing. I had an easy pregnancy for the most part and he's been wonderful. He's growing so fast (like all of you warned me he would) and we couldn't be more proud of him in his first four months. He's such a sweet baby and loves to "sing" and play. He's even a trooper through his teething. Last night at daycare, when the other babies were melting down a bit, he just kept on playing through the noise and I was proud of him. I know his daycare teacher was relieved he was being low maintenance at that point too! I have heard from many people that we need to realize how good we have it! We do!
Chris and I almost fight over who gets to hold Kanyon first when he wakes up or when we get home at night. There's nothing better than Kanyon's nightly "concerts" which he often puts on while sitting on our laps, standing up talking to me as I hold him or even on his changing table where he loves to hear his new vocal range! He's very smiley and has started giggling when we play with him. He really only fusses when he's tired, wet or hungry. Easy fixes! He's rolling over every once in a while and will have bottom teeth soon. He's on a pretty decent schedule and sleeps about 7 hours at a stretch unless his routine gets thrown off. Such a joy!
The arrival of our sweet baby boy has certainly brought us closer with our parents. First, we see them more and second, we can appreciate what they did for us as parents. Kanyon is a grandparent magnet of course. They are all in love with him too! I think it's brought us all closer together and that's always a good thing. I have also gained so much empathy for my parents after they lost their son, my only sibling, in 2009. I knew how much it devastated me as a sister, but until I became a mom I could not fully comprehend the pain. I cannot imagine Kanyon leaving this earth when he's 27. Just thinking about it rips my heart out and my parents have had to endure that. During one of our recent talks, my mom tearfully said, "now you understand. Tanner was my baby. They'll always be your baby, Sarah. No matter how old they are." I have more than once looked down as I hold Kanyon and told him he can never leave me. It breaks my heart for my mom. So to all of you who have lost a child, my heart sincerely goes out to you. I am so sorry. I know there are no words.
I will cherish my little blessing and do my best to never take him for granted. (Even when he's a naughty teenager).
In his short four months, Kanyon has served as a ray of sunshine in our lives. From his great-grandmothers to his Gram, Grammy and Grandma (he's got 3, lucky duck!) two grandpas and his mom and dad... we are so glad he's here and I will forever be so happy I am now part of Mother's Day.
