How do you know?

In this year's station holiday greeting we were joking about having another baby, but in all seriousness, how do you know when your family is complete?

I don't have to tell the other parents out there that with two little ones in the house and full time jobs, we have our hands plenty full right now!

But that doesn't stop me from wondering: are we really meant to have 3?

We are only 4 months into little Kaydence's life and she couldn't be sweeter. Kanyon amazes us every day. Why wouldn't we want to have another wonderful child? As I smell their fresh, clean hair after a bath and as I cuddle them quietly in the wee hours, I think of how much I'll miss it when it's done.

Well, then logic starts to overtake the heart.

It costs a lot.
Daycare is already quite a bit more than our mortgage already and a third would push us financially to the point of either being broke or someone staying home, which both mean a tough row to hoe. And I don't have to tell you how much diapers cost. Whoa. Especially when your daughter went through 28 a day (triple what they say to expect) when she was first home from the hospital! Yowzah. I've saved money by nursing them and making their baby food but still!

We'd be outnumbered.
I looked at us last night and we both had a needy little one in our arms. Where would the third child go if they too didn't feel good? Would there be enough time and attention to go around for everyone? Being working parents we give all we have to make sure our bambinos are loved and cared for 100%. But we barely get it all done the way it is.

Health concerns are there too.
I'm 34. I've read the statistics about risk factors going up as we age. I don't get too wrapped up in this because I know so many moms who have had healthy pregnancies well after this age, but I need to take it into account at least for the sake of this hypothetical child.

Oh yeah, and my hubby...
He thinks 2 is plenty. However, on occasion, he'll make comments like, "when we have the next one" or when talking about Kaydie's 2 hour fast labor, he'll say "you'll have the next one in a flash!" But if you ask him, he says he's done. He did agree that if we win the lottery we can have another baby.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not skipping Kaydie's baby moments to get caught up in thinking about another child, but the thought is there, especially when I see all those special times with Kaydie and Kanyon. I keep thinking, is this the last time I'll experience this?

The emotions were strong when Kaydence was first born. I was of course overcome with joy that we had a healthy girl but it didn't take long for me to have that little voice creep into the back of my mind... is this the last time I'll experience this amazing moment? Was this the last time I'll be pregnant? Is this the last newborn I'll hold and nurse and protect? It's such a fantastic feeling, so it's hard to think it will be over when Kaydie's no longer a baby.

How did you know you were done? How did you get over it if you weren't sure? Is this why moms with older kids always swoon over other people's babies? Do you ever stop wondering?

I always pictured myself with two kids. A boy and a girl. Here we sit with two healthy beautiful kids. I'm completely blessed and so amazed. Do not get me wrong here. I am GRATEFUL. I am happy. I know not everyone gets this dream or has this wish come true. I thank God daily for my family. I get it. So please don't think I'm whining or that I don't know what I have. I just have a feeling I'm not the only mom who's on the fence about closing this chapter in their life.

As I mentioned, I always pictured myself with two children, until my brother died. He was my only sibling and when he died, so did many of my family dreams for the future. Chris doesn't have any siblings. My children won't have a cousin, an aunt or an uncle. That makes me sad.

I feel like I need to build up a family so my kids and their kids can experience that extended family. I also have a little bit of grief trauma that has me worried for Kaydie or Kanyon. What if something ever happened to one of them? I'd want them to have another sibling so they wouldn't be alone in the world once we're gone. I had overwhelming feelings of being alone after Tanner died. Even though I had a great husband and supportive friends and family, I felt alone.

I do have lots of girlfriends who are playing the roles of auntie to my kids and I am grateful for that. I wish I had an easy way of putting away those irrational feelings away, but I can't seem to do that yet. Too early in my grief I guess.

So there it is. Even though it's a punch line to a joke right now, I really can't shake the yearning to have another child someday... but what do you let win out? Heart or logic? Maybe these feelings will go away after a while and I'll have clarity on it. Perhaps the new mommy hormones are ruling the roost right now.

As I look around our closets, I wonder what to do with the baby clothes, the maternity clothes and the things Kaydie is already outgrowing... I'm going to leave them all right where they are. I keep telling Chris we're not going to decide for a while. (And I have to tell my mom to hold her horses as she mentions it a lot) I'll pray about it. For sure we aren't having a child in 2013. I downgraded our health care insurance level a bit to save money, so no maternity ward for me until 2014 at least! With 2 babies in 20 months, we need to breathe and save some money! But I'm not closing that door completely yet. So I'm ready to read your advice! It's always wonderful.

With that, here's a couple of links to my cutie pies and I've posted new pictures in the slide show above. Happy New Year!

Giggle box Kanyon: click here

Little squealer Kaydie: click here

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